Surrendering to the Mystery of Existence

The other morning, a thought came to me: I am the first woman who went to college in my extended family in the past at least three generations. No wonder when I was in college, my younger cousins wrote to me, saying how much they admired me. And some relatives would talk about me with pride. But I wasn’t grateful nor proud then for I had not liked my life. I kept wanting a better one. I thought that if my Gaokao, the National College Entrance Exam, score had been higher, I would have studied at a better university for a “better” major than “Preventive Medicine,” which could be a noble career, if my heart had been in the right place. I had endless war inside of me and I was convinced that I wasn’t living the life that I was “supposed” to be living. “Why am I me?” I asked. Thinking back, I can say that I have been refusing to accept myself and this life that’s been gifted to me specifically, and I have successfully made myself an outsider in my own life for a long time.

During the past 14 years of living in the US and going back and forth across the Pacific Ocean, my self-image and views on life have been constantly integrating and evolving, from desiring for worldly wealth and success to searching inner wealth through creative self-expressions, from being isolated in personal crisis to seeing the widespread ecological crisis, from worshiping western civilization to reconnecting to Chinese traditional roots, from materialistic mindset to seeking spirituality, from seeking truth alone to finding the ever-expanding communities across the globe.... But self-acceptance has never stopped being the biggest struggle in my personal growth.

Recently, I met someone who had literally lived my dream life, the right life--the right university, right major, right success, even the drama, the excitement, the struggles, and her deep commitment and engagement in living each phase of her life. Yet, life has led her to the realization that what really matters is to hear her soul calling, and then act accordingly, not what she has done on the outside. In other words, even if I had lived my past the way I had dreamed of, I would have ended up in almost the same place, internally.

I ask myself: Do I still want to continue to try to live my “dream” life? What does that “dream” life mean to me now? How could anything be more exciting and fulfilling than accepting and surrendering to my very own existence that’s bestowed upon me from the Mystery? Am I not curious about “Why am I here? What am I here to do?” 

"Don't be discouraged by your incapacity to dispel darkness from the world. Light your little candle and step forward." -- Amma