“Let things ripen and then fall. Force is not the way at all. Just let go and we will see--The way to do is to be.” We sang by the fire the words from Lao Tzu’s Tao te Ching (music: Laurence Cole). I took part in Ecology of Awakening (EOA), a yearlong program to awaken us to the larger rhythm of the ever-evolving and self-organizing web of life through connecting to Nature, to our inner voices, and to each other. After centuries of prevailing competitive and extractive culture across the globe, this collective journey of reconnecting to the larger myth is what our souls cry for.
Vision Quest
I didn’t fully realize the powerful lasting impact of EOA on me until the Fall session which involved a 96-hour vision fast in a desert. In my mind’s eye, I’m back to the serene desert again, surrounded by rocks, junipers, and chollas, sitting on a big flat rock and watching birds, rabbits, chipmunks, and lizards running around. As I slept on the big rock under the stars during the night and rested under a juniper tree during the day, I felt accepted as a welcomed guest in a very safe place. Although walking from my sleeping rock to the shady place under the juniper tree felt like a very long distance with an empty stomach, I felt home. No grand revelation, only gradual and gentle openness to true nature, mundane moments transformed, mind uncluttered, and heart filled with pure joy.
At dawn, I woke up to the dissipating morning mist and the rising sun moving across the sky. At dusk, I shook the rattle as the sun-burned sky gave way to twinkling stars.
On that big rock, I thought of this amazing life that I could live, connecting with communities and making noble friends, growing and making healthy food to share, and holding space for storytelling and spoken words. I couldn’t see any possible reason for being unhappy and unsatisfied. There is so much in life that I could explore. And the lifelong pressure of trying to achieve something and to be somebody was gone as if a heavy rock were lifted from my chest. I don’t have to be anybody; I don’t have to achieve anything. I just need to tune in to that ever-unfolding life force and be a loving life force liberating and empowering prisoned souls.
Deep Seeing of Each Other
Right before our first EOA trip in nature as a group, I caught a terrible cold and coughed constantly with a bad headache. As the departure day was approaching, I became more and more nervous. How was it possible for me to go with such a low energy! I began to regret signing up for this yearlong program, thinking what if it were an unfulfilling program and I had to be stuck with the same strangers for a year. Now when I think of that, I have to laugh at myself because now those strangers have become my close tribal family and we see and honor each other deeply. There are no other things in life that I would ask for more than a journey with a group of connected souls to deepen connections with life together.
During each trip, under the guidance and care of three generous-hearted guides, Kerry, Kristin, and Gary, we witnessed and held each other's pain and joy in numerous talking circles, fire ceremonies, village dreams sharing, rituals, drumming, poetry reading, and singing in wilderness, and we grew closer and closer as a group. Gradually, the thick wall of judgements safeguarding my old worldview began to crumble. I began to see the noble merits in each one and I was no different from others as a vulnerable and sensitive being. How wonderful to be vulnerable together! How little we were different, despite our various backgrounds, age, and gender! This piece of truth was reaffirmed again and again throughout this yearlong journey. The last night before we parted after two days of unpacking of our vision quest experience, we talked and talked, and embraced each other so openly and joyfully until late at night.
I never knew it was so liberating when we hold nothing against each other, but only love, knowing I, too, would be seen in a true and deep way. That’s the real safety that I’ve been looking for. Until all my guards are down, I am not free.
Healing Power of Nature
After camping for two days in wilderness during our first trip, my terrible cold was miraculously healed! It was hard to believe that on the third day, my energy was up and cough was almost gone! Through my bodily experience, I learned that nature was the ultimate medicine for restoring balance within.
Our second trip together was at a beautiful private preserve, but I worried about poison oak and ticks. As our guest instructor Brock took us on a nature walk, I realized how much my fear and ignorance had kept me from opening up to nature. Walking through nature guided by someone who is attuned to nature’s whisper is such a treasure! We drew attention to the small bird’s nest under the exposed tree root near the creek bank, the unknown droppings on a broken branch, the dried silk cocoon hidden in fallen leaves, the numerous grain-shells near the entrance of a busy ant farm, and the occasional startled birds’ calling. There were so many appealing stories in nature. How much unknown we take for granted at each moment!
During my solo day, leaning against a madrone tree, I thought I would tell it my life story, but nothing came out except tears. My shoes, shirt, jacket, and my whole body are all gifts. What did I do to deserve all these gifts? What is my truest story?
The wild land opened wide in front of me as I stood alone on the hill covered with tall golden grass. The grass made a soft bed under me as I lay down. I felt being held gently and firmly from beneath, and a great sense of relaxation came through my body. No more worries about ticks. The tall grass turned into tall “trees” for my eyes were close to the soil. A familiar childhood hay smell from the grass entered my nostrils. How much I enjoyed climbing to the top of the hay pile as a child! I closed my eyes and fell asleep under the sun…
Tiny Orange Flower vs. Mountain Top
After our first trip, I wrote the following passage:
“I am walking in the open green valley, looking for ways of connecting with this untamed landscape. A hawk flies over, gliding through the warm air all the way to the other side of the mountain. I am tempted to climb to the top of the mountain to see what’s on the other side, to stand tall and to see it all, and most of all, to feel worthy. I stand still with my eyes closed, imagining me flying high and being seen. Isn’t this the meaning of life--to share my gifts and to be seen? I take a deep breath, open my eyes, and continue my way on the narrow trail.
"Under the sun, tiny orange flowers cluster by the roadside. Something about them slows down my hurried steps—that tiny beauty, so dignified and self-assured. Do they ever agonize over their inadequacy? Do they dream big? Do they still matter if no one notices them? I could’ve easily passed them by. I draw myself closer to them and begin to see the delicate details in each one of them. They are so beautiful! Tears pour into the corners of my eyes as stillness and warmth flow into my chest… That tiny orange is so vast that it goes beyond any mountain tops.”
Now I set the intention to be aware of the real magic in my daily life, instead of getting distracted by my big goals. As David Whyte wrote, "there is a small opening into the new day, which closes the moment you begin your plans. What you can plan is too small for you to live."
Between Stories
After the vision quest, our guides reminded us that doubt and fear would still visit us and the real journey would continue to unfold. Once in a while, when I'm dragged back down the abyss of darkness where I was once in before, that darkness no longer has as strong and lasting grip over me as before because I have experienced how real it was when I was liberated from fear and doubt and how happy I was when I was set free. On that big flat rock in the desert, I had a glimpse of my true potential in reaching something much larger than myself. Though sometimes I might still be sleepy and lazy, I cherish my each awake moment and relish that momentary magic of life.
The recurring theme in my quest throughout EOA is yearning to feel enough, to be self-confident, and to stand solidly on the ground under my feet. While sitting in bed at my parents’ in China, I wonder what that blue sky, open wilderness, green bushes, and the winged and four-legged across the Pacific mean to me in a place where residents strive to disconnect themselves further from Nature. But if I could connect to the natural settings during my EOA trips, why can't I connect to the land that’s birthed me and my ancestors? Now I feel empowered to face the challenges in integrating the different parts in me while living on both sides of the Pacific. And all those magical moments in Nature that couldn’t be put down in words will stay with me wordlessly and guide me for a very long time.
***
In memory of Dancing Arrow (1949-2016).
Forever grateful for the guidance from Ecology of Awakening:
Kerry Brady, Co-founder, Director, and Guide
Kristin Rothballer, Guide
Gary Pace, MD, Guide
Brock Dolman, Guest Instructor
Studying notes from reading Sustainable World Sourcebook, Earth Island Journal (Returning to The Native), Deep Times, Active Hope (partial), Parabola (partial), and other websites.
Worth reflecting: Inquiring mind vs. acquiring mind; Acquisitive vs inquisitive.
“It’s not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change.” --- Charles Darwin (19-century English Naturist)
(Glad to have this correct quote. :))
Very inspired by Gitanjali’s work in one of the major red light districts in India. “Instead of resenting what caused the women and girls a life of prostitution, Kat-Katha focusing on bringing out aliveness, love, creativity out of those women and girls in such a harsh condition.” (Parabola)
Reflection:
Mama’s
grief: No matter how hard she works and serves the family, she can not
earn their respect; and knowing no other alternatives, she
keeps doing things the same way and suffering the same way.
Maybe
I should help her find more joy and creativity in life, instead of
reaffirming her all the reasons why things are not working.
“The first law of travel and of life: You are only as strong as your readiness to surrender.”(source?)
(John Molloy, interviewed by Richard Whittaker) “You revere everything. You learn the wind is sending you a message. You start honoring the invisible world.”
“Don’t get involved in politics and economics. Learn your language. Learn your dances. Learn your stories. Learn your songs. That’s the only thing that’s going to protect the sky and the Earth.”
(Notes from Lakota Country. by Jason Mark) “Such knowledge of native economy makes a landscape legible. Story enlarges scenery. It’s a way of putting 'home' back into the science of ecology. When we restore memory to the landscape, then we make the wilderness less innocent. The romantic bubble is popped. To put the wild into historical context is to evolve from scenery, the landscape, to arrive finally at place.”
“The first memories of America, I’m convinced, are still speaking. They have important things to say if we are prepared to listen.” New definition of wild: "a constant co-creating space among all lives who live there."
(A native view on the Indigenous perspective by Kaimana Barcarse) “It’s an interdependent way of coexisting with one’s environment, a connection with one’s surrounding that is neither destructive nor invasive. The backwoods ethic recognizes that we humans are not superior beings that have been given authority over all things on this Earth to do with as we please."
(Earth Island Journal)
The Haudenosaunee: Iroquois Confederacy, the Six Nations of the
Haudenosaunee (people of the Long House), whose territory once
encompassed most of New York, Pennsylvania, and part of Ohio in the US,
Ontario and Quebec in Canada. Also known as the Iroquios Confederacy.
The Six Nations include: Onondaga, Mohawk, Seneca, Cayuga, Oneida, and
Tuscorara nations. The Haudenosaunee form of government is based
on a more than 1,000-year-old oral constitution called the Great Law of
Peace, whose democratic ideals served as inspiration for the frames of
the US Constitution.
“What you people call your natural resources our people call our relatives.” --- Oren Lyons, Faith Keeper of the Onondaga
“Man
did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he
does to the Earth, he does to himself.” --- Chief Seattle
Reflections:
- How
can I feel intimately connected to the land where I grew up? Hint: a little history of the human settlement in my hometown? Searching indigenous
ways of living in my own hood, not the commercial, superficial, and
destructive version. Traditions give us glimpses of our roots and should
not be showcased to merely attract tourism and consumerism.
- Real indigenous peoples
are life-keepers for humankind. Their way of living in harmony with
Nature is treasures to us all. So much gratitude. Worldwide indigenous
peoples are the saviors of the humanity. There is no we or they; we are
all in this together.
- Today
many traditional foods are on the verge of extinction. Revitalize
native foodways. Food is a gift, a life force. Emerging native food
sovereignty movement. From polite protest to direct action
(Deep Times) Adelaja, interviewed by Anne Symens-Bucher:
I believe that racial healing stems from the deconstruction of race and needs to be deconstructed along with sexism, queer-phobia, ableism, ageism... There is so much that needs to be dismantled and ultimately it all stems from the capitalist system.
“When
tension arises, we feel pain, we feel anguish at the very root of
ourselves, and then we cover that over, that grief, that horror, with
all kinds of distractions--with consumerism, with addictions, with
anything we can use to disconnect. But if we can open to that grief,
that pain, there is a possibility of embracing it in a way that it
becomes a strength, a power to respond."
--- John Robbins, Diet for a New
America
“If all we do is take out the dirty power system... and just replace it with some clean stuff, but we don't deal with how we're consuming water, we don't deal with how we're treating our other sister-and-brother species, we don't deal with toxins, we don't deal with the way we treat each other... If
that’s not a part of this movement. let tell you what you’ll have.
You’ll have solar-powered bulldozers, solar-powered buzz-saws,
bio-fueled bombers, and we’ll be fighting wars over lithium for the
batteries instead of oil for the engines, and we will still have a dead
planet. This moment is deeper than a solar panel. Don’t stop there!
We’re gonna change the whole thing. We’re not gonna put a new battery in
a broken system. We want a new system!” --- Van Jones, The Green Collar
Economy
“The
next American revolution will be radically different from the
revolutions that have taken place in per- or non-industrialized
countries like Russia, Cuba, China, or Vietnam. As citizens of a nation
that had achieved its rapid economic growth and prosperity at the
expanse of Native Americans, African Americans, Latinos, Asian
Americans, and peoples all over the world, our priority has to be
correcting the injustice and backwardness of our relationships with one
another, with other countries, and with the Earth.” --- Grace Lee Boggs,
Founder of Boggs Center to Nurture Community Leadership
Reflection:
There
are individual karmic debt and our collective karmic debt. By only
focusing on doing our individual goodness is not enough to speed up the
process of our collective healing. We cannot just "ignore" history to "move on."
There is no real moving on without thorough examination and acknowledgement of the truth at this present moment while looking at the past and the future, inwardly and outwardly.
(Active Hope) "Develop our inner resources and our outer communities. With active hope we consciously choose to draw out our best responses."
"Active Hope is a practice, like tai chi or gardening, it is something we do rather than have. It is a process we can apply to any situation, and it involves three key steps. First, we take a clear view of reality; second we identify what we hope for in terms of the direction we’d like things to move in or the values we’d love to see expressed; and third, we take steps to move ourselves or our situation in that direction."
(Deep Times: “The soundscape is a crucial part of what makes an ecology tick.”)
(from Sustainable World Sourcebook)
Culture of Simplicity (Moving toward voluntary simplicity)
“A
culture of simplicity would encourage each person to find meaning and
fulfillment by pursuing their true passions, fostering loving
relationships, and living authentic, reflective lives rather than by
seeking status and material possessions.”
Voluntary simplicity is the most effective way to reduce consumption and spare the Earth. (Inquiry: How can I skillfully and effectively get other people to start the path without alienating them?)
"A
new definition of progress: Living in balance with self, others and
bioregion, deriving a sense of fulfillment from relationships and
nature. The focus is on developing talents, creativity and community
rather than status and materialism."
"We
throw away more than nature can absorb, and extract more than it can
regenerate. This means we’re not living off the Earth’s 'interest,' we
are draining 'principle.' We are in a process of bankrupting nature."
“In Networks, everyone is a leader. Power if distributed, not concentrated. The Network’s need for weaving never ends, especially in its early days. Someone has to be weaving connections and doing it well. You can’t leave it to chance. The work has to be done.”
“Instead of arguing about the symptoms, get to the root of the social issues.”
“Sustainability is the ability of the current generation to meet its needs, without compromising the ability of future generations to met theirs. --- United Nations, 1987
"Living sustainably means whatever we do, we can do indefinitely."
“If everyone lives as North Americans do, we would need five Earths to sustainably maintain our way of life; if everyone lives as Europeans do, three Earths. China and India are just under the one earth consumption level, but with rapid industrial development in those countries, that proportion is increasing steadily.”
Transition Towns (Five Stages)
- Starting Out: Coming together as a group; visioning and awareness raising; building partnership
- Deepening: Skill building for local resilience; development of local food initiative; education for transition process
- Connecting:
Forming networks of transition initiatives; working with local
business; engaging young people, pausing for reflection
- Building:
Localize the community’s economy; new skills and ways of thinking;
social enterprise and entrepreneurship; scaling up; strategic local
infrastructure.
- Daring to Dream: Setting up food networks, solar energy, skill-sharing networks.
Reflections:
How
can I simplify my own lifestyle without feeling uncomfortable or making them uncomfortable, while
interacting/visiting my family and friends living in the world of
Business-as-Usual? (Well, I guess I'll just need to deal with the discomfort. Avoiding discomfort is the problem.)
Because I was afraid to be myself, making it harder for others to be themselves too.
I
can no longer bear living this life with the
division among human hearts. But it’s so hard to communicate this
suffering of mine to those innocent numbed souls.
Remember:
The logic of control tells us that by shaming the perpetrator, we
actually drive them deeper into their story. Never shame anyone!!! It
will only make things worse. Respect everyone in whatever situation.
Yelling and insulting will not work
* * * * * *
“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” --- Mother Teresa
“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” --- Joanna Macy
“The irony of American history is the tendency of good white Americans to presume racial innocence. Ignorance of how we are shaped racially is the first sign of privilege.” -- Time Wise
“Real wealth is ideas plus energy.” --- Buckminster F?
"The spiritual fulfillment is a two-fold path-the inner path of our own personal journey, and the outer path of compassion and caring for others."
"Spiritual practice is really about weaving a network of good relationships."
Mountains, Mother Earth’s livers, rainforests, Mother Earth’s lungs, Coral Reefs, Mother Earth’s blood purifier.
How did we get here? Cultural drivers and unexamined assumptions.
Cooperatives: membership-based banking and business
One member, one vote. --- A co-op principle
Reflection:
From individual
self, to social self, to ecological self, to cosmological self. It’s not
about disregarding the self and becoming altruistic, but expanding the
sense of self, from individual self to cosmological self.
Do not scatter my energy. Stay focus on my path.
My interest in experimenting with food is my active experiment with life (Per A)
Grow
native plants in your backyard. See: The National Wildlife Federation.
(We need systemic change, but systemic change starts at home)
Be aware of my tendency of getting bored with those whose light is
dim and soul disconnected, and yet feeling inadequate while facing those
who are alive on the right path, but have little interest in connecting
with me. Remind myself: see magic in everyone everywhere and treat everyone
equally, including myself, instead of falling into the trap of comparing mind and
suffering from biased views and illusion.
Help unleash the good wolf in humanity. Help feed the good wolf in
everyone. Some of the good wolves are locked up in a dungeon, wounded,
scared, and lonely.
Think more critically about our vocabulary, such as:
Cheap: Is it really “cheap” if human, environmental and ecological costs are considered?
Wealth/Poverty: Keep reminding myself of the different forms of wealthy and different forms of poverty. Do not be limited to the unexamined assumption that financial means are the only means that count.
Civilized: What does that mean? Is owning the land, killing or mistreating those who are different civilized behavior? Or is living simply in harmony with Earth more humane? What is civilized anyway? A very disturbing term.
How about progress, development, 1st world, and 3rd world?
(I have been brainwashed so deeply)
Questions:
How
indigenous were my ancestors? How far back does it need to go? Did
agriculture revolution mark the end of my ancestors’ indigenousness? Are
the Chinese traditions the so-called civilized ways of living not
indigenous ways of living?
Distinctions between the following terms: indigenous people, aboriginal people, native people, and first peoples.
Comparisons between: indigenous/Native farming, natural farming, and permaculture.
10月31日 在上海书城 (Shanghai Bookstore) 养心是养生的最高境界。“万病由心生，万病由心灭。” Nurturing the heart is the highest form of nurturing life. "All illness is originated from the illness of the heart and will recover from the healing of the heart.)
忽然惊觉：喜鹊！好久没听到喜鹊叫了！
(Suddenly, I realized that I haven't heard Magpie, the bird I used to see so often as a child, singing for so long! Where did they go? Sad. So many species left us.)
(父母家中) 凌晨3点起来上厕所，听到远处仍旧传来卡拉ok声。在这个各顾各的寂寞城市，除了在歌声中发泄还有何处？我要加入捍卫地球母亲，拯救人类灵魂的一场全球运动中，说是一种运动其实说小了。这是远超运动所能解释的。可是用什么方式的。想起鲁迅的文集《呐喊》。当看到或听到骗子横行，环卫工人在路上被压成薄薄的肉饼，偷小孩子并挖掘其内脏卖之类的事情，会怀疑呐喊是否有望。我自己又如何打开自己处处防范的心呢？包括与亲戚朋友中的交往。我出生于这样的家庭是被交予了一项特殊使命，但我必须首先从自己的经历中领会到那个指引我的重要信息。这个重要信息是什么呢？
(at my parents' house) Getting up at 3 am to go to the toilet, I still heard karaoke singing in the distance. In this lonely city, besides singing, where else can give the lonely souls an outlet to express? I want to join the global movement of safeguarding the Mother Earth and rescuing human souls. To refer to it as a movement is an understatement. This is beyond a movement. But how? Remember Lu Xun's essay collection Call to Arms. (Lu mentioned his hesitation before he published his first essay collection. He said it was like sleeping in a sealed iron house, a few wake up and shout for taking actions. But what action would make any difference? Maybe it's better fall back to sleep.) When I read or heard about the prevailing street hoaxes, a street cleaner being crushed into a thin layer on the road by the having-no-time-to-stop traffic, or stealing little kids and selling their organs, I began to feel the stuffiness as if I were in that "sealed iron house," wondering what's the point of calling to arms. How can I open my own well-guarded heart and be authentic to others including my own blood family and relatives? I want to choose to live my life with active hope. I've been handed a special mission by being born into this specific family of mine. In order to carry that special mission for humankind, I need to get that important message from my very own experience and that message will guide me.
* * * * * *
Books to Explore:
Diet for a New America by John Robbins
The Green Collar Economy by Van Jones
Lifecycle of Emergence: Using Emergence to take social Innovation to scale by Margaret Wheatley, Berkana Institute.
1491: New Revelations of the America Before Columbus.
木村秋则的《苹果教我的事》
The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan
Organizations and Films to Check Out:
Documentaries on water: FLOW, Blue Gold, The Water Front, Kogi, The Spark (sustainable farming and community building after Katrina.
Pam Warhurst’s TED talk on a community-based movement to promote urban agriculture in the town of Todmordon.
Paul Hawken’s talk (6’) on the current global movement that has no name
The Global Alliance for the Rights of Nature, www.therightsofnature.org
Boggs Center to Nature Community Leadership
Van Jone’s greenforall.org
Engagement circles (swcoalition.org/progress); Be the change circle (bethechangeearthalliance.org/circles); What’s your tree? (whatsyourtree.org); The Transition Network (transitionnetwork.org); Women’s Earth Alliance, Berkeley (womensearthalliance.org)
Time Banks (timebanks.org)
The Business Alliance for Local Living Economies (bealocalist.org). The Living Economy Principles are excellent roadmap for creating sustainable communites.
ic.org: building intentional community
Localharvest.org to find CSA’s nearby; American community Garden Association (communitygarden.org)
Food Not Lawn; Food Not Bombs
Three model communities: Sirius-Shutesbury, Massachusetts, Hammarby Sjostad, Stockholm, Sweden (Note: this model has been exported to China), Los Angeles Ecovillage
Green Building: The Living Building Challenge (livingfuture.org/lbc) requires that a building generates all of its own energy with renewable nontoxic resources, captures and treats all of its water and operates efficiently and for maximum beauty.”
www.populationconnection.org
Global Action Plan
Awakening the Dreamer, Change the Dream Symposium
Real Wealth community Project
Circle of Life (Oakland); Gratefulness.org
Wisdom of the World: Greenbrae, CA, produces musical solutions that support people to face their life transitions in an emotionally sustainable way.(wisdomoftheworld.org)
Kaistart 开始众筹
In the dark, there is a beautiful, yet fragile, seed, longing for connection, freedom, joy, and that unspeakable unconditional love. That longing is so deep and so pure that the tiny seed sings in the dark its natural melody to its inborn rhythm and dreams about coming out to see the Sun.
The seed begins to take root, but the hard ground of “convenience” and “norm” prevents it from breaking through. Day after day, the invisible force works its wonder, making the seed stronger and stronger.
One day, the seed sprouts through the ground and sees the sunlight for the first time! She dances in the wind with so much joy. But a gust of wind that grew out of fear and greed, reinforced by shame and sense of feeling not enough breaks her...
That seed is sent back down, weeping in a dungeon where is dark and cold. “I’m not worthy of the sunlight after all!” She cries. She refuses the food that’s nurtured her in the past. She weeps day after day until one day, she hears again the melody she used to sing to the rhythm that she knows. Again, she sings, first in a tiny voice, then louder, and louder... She feels that the invisible force is working through her again. She pushes up and up, and then the light comes through! Warmth touches her, deeply; fresh air caresses her; water quenches her thirst. Ah! She dances again.
Then she remembers the gust of wind that could sweep her away, or even uproot her, anytime. How can I stand up and tall in the face of the gust this time? Just then, her root grows under her, reaching deeper and further. Then she feels something on the tip of her root... Another root just like hers! The two roots hold each other tightly, connecting and merging, connecting and merging... Then another root, and another... Her root is now connected with many roots that are growing into one big root that continues to reach other roots.
Sure enough, that gust of wind comes again. It’s ten times stronger than the last time. She sees the gust of wind breaking many tiny sprouts in the distance, but her big root can’t reach their roots in time. Her heart aches, but something stronger arises in her. She says to the gust of wind, “Let’s dance.”
She dances to the rhythm that she has known for so long. She’s never been so entranced by that rhythm as she is now. Before she knows it, she is dancing beyond the limitation of her physical form. She plays with the gust of wind, dances behind it, then sprints ahead, then slows down, and stops. She kisses the angry wind. The big wind is confused and it grows weaker and weaker until it fades away.
The sunlight shines upon her wherever she dances. She is dancing in the nectar of freedom, joy and unconditional love. There is no limitation of space and time! That one big root below continues to reach other big roots, then another... All the big roots connect and merge and grow into one Big Root.
That seed will never die. It is in me; it is in you. It is in every human and non-human, visible and invisible, living or seemingly non-living beings. And we are responsible to help protect that sacred seed and water it with kindness every day. I see it everywhere once I’m aware of its existence. Sometimes when I’m quiet enough, I can hear that seed singing, “I am here. I hear you. I know you are there. I miss you. Come! Come! I’m coming to you as you are coming to me.” When our roots touch, our seeds will sing in chorus, “We are one. We are one. We are one.”
I have never before felt so strongly that protecting and loving that beautiful and yet still fragile seed in me is such a sacred mission in this life. As I protect my sacred seed, I'm protecting yours; as you protect yours, you are protecting mine; as I protect yours, I'm protecting mine; as you protect mine, you are protecting yours. We may call it sacred Self-love. :)
A little over a month ago, I decided to live in China for five months to help my mother take care of my father who suffers from late-stage Parkinson's Disease. A few days ago, I flew out from San Francisco and landed in Shanghai, where I rested for one day as the transition from an “alternative” lifestyle on the West Coast of the other side of the Pacific Ocean to got-to-face-my-“reality” on this side.
As I walked in narrow alleys in Shanghai, or crossed busy streets, or interacted with breakfast vendors, my heart desired to jump out to connect with all the seemingly indifferent faces that I saw. I wanted to see beyond the masks of indifference, distrust, or even rudeness because I know the human hearts beneath those masks are lonely, wounded, and longing to connect.
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I boarded the subway train with heavy luggage and sat down in an empty seat. A man with a severely burned face walked by with a begging bowl, followed by a blind man who played the harmonica with one hand and held on to the burned-faced man’s shirt with the other. They seemed invisible to most of the people on the train. When I realized that I had a few coins to share, they had already walked through the crowd and sat down in the distance. I got off at the next stop to transfer, but still regretted that I missed the opportunity to connect with that burned-faced man. The train lingered at the transfer station. I walked on the platform to the next door of the train. Through the open door, I saw the burned-faced man sitting facing the door, facedown. I stood on the platform, waiting for him to look up. A minute went by, he looked up. Our eyes met. I extended my hand toward him with the coins. He wasn't sure for a minute, then stood up and walked toward me and took the coins. We nodded at each other without a word before he went back to his seat. The brief eye contact with that burned-faced man brightened my day.
Later at the subway station, some advertised messages caught my interest. They conveyed a sense of feeling of emptiness from the younger generation living in the contemporary Business-As-Usual world.
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(Translation)
My life goes like this:
Every day, I spend half an hour getting out of bed,
half an hour brushing and washing, and
one hour commuting to work;
then, spend the rest of the day waiting to get off work.
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(Translation)
My life goes like this:
Every day, I spend four hours socializing,
one hour going home, and
half an hour looking for keys;
then, spend the rest of the day waiting to wake up from being drunk.
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(Translation)
My life goes like this:
Every day, I spend two hours dressing up,
half an hour putting makeup on, and
one hour doing selfies;
then, spend the rest of the day waiting for “likes.”
These messages gave me joy. How wonderful it is to name such shared pain in public! (added info: These messages are advertisements for an online fiction reading site, encouraging people to read more)
Sitting on the long-distance bus home, I again reminded myself the intention I set before this trip: To integrate all different parts in me on both sides of the Pacific and to see with New Eyes my very own blood family and the real truth in my roots.
I remember vividly how painful it was two years ago when I visited my family in the part of the planet that’s called China. It was as if I were drowning at dinner/lunch table listening to my relatives, desperately grasping for air of life that could bring any meaning into my very own existence.
This time, I want to fully show up for my blood family, truly respect the reality they know and the stories they hold, and be thankful for their support and love that they gave me as I grew up. In other words, love them, instead of busy defending myself. And understand them for not being able to understand my journey of seeking the unknown as the unknown keeps unfolding...
Living with my family for two weeks is enough to test my level of enlightenment; five months... Home is coming nearer and nearer. Can I be a bigger boat this time home?
