March 20, 2016

Reflecting in/on/with Nature

March 9, 2016
I am walking in the open green valley, looking for ways of connecting with this untamed landscape. A hawk flies over, gliding through the warm air all the way to the other side of the mountain. I am tempted to climb to the top of the mountain to see what’s on the other side, to stand tall and to see it all, and most of all, to feel that I am worthy. I stand still with my eyes closed, imagining me flying high and being seen. Isn’t this the meaning of life? To share my gifts and to be seen. I take a deep breath, open my eyes, and continue my way on the narrow trail. Under the sun, tiny orange flowers cluster by the roadside. Something about them slows down my hurried steps—that tiny beauty, so dignified and self-assured. Do they ever agonize over their inadequacy? Do they dream big? Do they still matter if no one notices them? I could’ve easily passed them by. I draw myself closer to them and begin to see the delicate details in each one of them. They are so beautiful! Tears pour into the corners of my eyes as stillness and warmth flow into my chest… That tiny orange color is so vast that it makes the mountain top far away so small. 

February 18, 2016
A little bird has been singing beautifully in the backyard for three days enticing me to go outside. I spotted her on a high branch the other day, announcing her arrival, her white belly moving in rhythm with her staccato song. Today is sunny and fresh, another good day! But where was she when it was rainy and windy? (I imagined her preferred pronoun being "she") .


February 10, 2016
Walking on a tree-shaded trail covered with soft brown leaves, I imagine being a walking tree, lifting my feet but staying connected to the ground. Through the tree branches, the gentle breeze brushes my moving body, lifting me upward until I feel like flying away, through light and shadow, like a bird. Above, a flock of small black birds are holding a community meeting on the fly, this way, then that way. When one topic is raised, the group echoes in chorus, “Agreed!” “Not agreed!” Or maybe they are just laughing at us, ignorant four-limbed erect creatures. 

Standing on a wooden bridge over a creek, I watch the water moving towards me from one side, then under me, then away from me. It is constantly flowing… 

When I see a garden, I am in awe, feeling the life force calling to me from way below the dark soil. I walk closer to a fruit tree, a flower, or a vegetable, I touch them gently to feel their vibration that resonates with mine. One day when my time comes, I desire to journey down and be part of that magical life cycle.


Every morning when I open my eyes, the birds fly by my window, calling me, “Outside! Outside! Outside!” 


November 16, 2015
I walked in nature on a quiet trail and stood under the canopy of a tree, hearing birds conversing in languages I don't understand and trees whispering to one another, sometimes giggling. I am nature illiterate, but just being there not knowing or gliding through the air with imagination was pure wonder, my breaths even and my body content. As I meditated on the question how we got here as a species, the time lapse of the human evolution unfolded on the inner landscape that I was part of. The magic of life emerges on the horizon... 


November 05, 2015

It's a morning like any other morning. I bike to the lake, park my bike by the fence, and walk to my favorite spot. The morning is a little chilly, according to Californian standard. Standing by the lake, looking at the reflections of trees and sky, the shimmering surface, listening to the birds' concert… my stress over some overdue work finally leaves me at peace. After all, as long as my breathing is in rhythm with the flow, everything will be just fine. A day unpaused is a day unlived.

March 18, 2016

Journals (2015)

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson

March 30, 2015
Today is another day, as the morning sunlight slants through the blinds. But immediately, thoughts enter, yearning to feel worthy and to be seen. Heart is heavy again with that obsessive need for external validation. I breathe, hoping heaviness around my heart can be like smoke; puff, it’s gone. 
The church bell is striking 9. 

March 31, 2015
I hope I’ll fall in love and truly experience love, no matter what obstacles lie between love and me. Love unconditionally and let go of the attachment. Be free from the pressing of time, if there is love. Wouldn't it be amazing that I fall for someone? Is there one person who sees me in entirety? I am no longer dying to find that one person, but that longing still lingers. 
Fear of not having my own child and fear of having one. But please, no more fear about experiencing life as it is. Let the unknown be unearthed. 

This time I’ll fall 
for the sake of falling. 
On my way down, the invisible thick wall that’s been 
safeguarding my heart for so long is melted into tears.
The ungovernable heart, longing to dance
out of her ribcage,
to meet another ungovernable heart.
This time, I’ll fall
for the sake of falling…

April 1, 2015
 Isn’t it wonderful to feel free, to feel beyond, and to see the magic in all beings, including myself? Please, no more shame. Today I have the entire house to myself! I might just get lost in my own space and forget time. Insecurity. Why do I often feel insecure? Erase what's been imposed on me long ago—the societal standards of evaluating intelligence, worthiness, and even kindness. I want to just enjoy the wonder of life itself, breathing in, breathing out. 
My voice, my thinking, my trying, and all, one day, will be well revealed, unique in a universal way. Trust and accept. Now enjoy the wonder itself, no more comparison, only compassion and appreciation. 

April 2, 2015
While having breakfast, I again think of how I am living in a cocoon, yet desiring to come out, and yet am afraid to risk myself. Didn’t I weave one cocoon after another, chasing one goal after another during different phases of my life? But at the end, they are all the same, empty. And yet, without a cocoon, what would be my identity then? Will I be susceptible to anything, if I don’t hold on to something? As I float out of my cocoon and join the constant flow of life, how will I relate to my old cocoon? While persistently walking towards the unknown, I am caged by two almost contradicting longings, longing to feel valued and longing to feel peace. Meanwhile, I am afraid to take larger responsibilities by telling myself that I am unworthy. These are some of the things that unsettle me at night and during the day.
Sometimes I get tired of messages such as Be kind. Love is the answer. Selfless service. No matter how true these messages may be, I still need to deal with my own little voices: I am scared. I am not sure. I don’t feel loving now. Why am I so focused on myself? Shame on me. I am so pathetic! Can I just be bigger? Why am I such a slow learner of life? But deep down, I am sure of one thing that I want to continue to walk toward light.  
Have I ever truly believed in myself? Sometimes, those whose ideas or what they did or do impress me so much that I want to be like them. As I compare myself to them, I fall into the abyss where I feel lost and unworthy. I feel ashamed to face my envy of them and depression about my insignificance. I ask myself, “How can I be self-contained and be open at the same time? How can I gain and regain the power of thinking on my own, see things as they are, and take loving and fearless actions?” Though being loud and big is not the goal, when the time comes for me to be loud and big, I need to be willing to step up and put myself out there. 
The only way to live fully is to first listen to my own timid voice, to think on my own, and to be free…

April 3, 2015
 Fear and doubt fill every pore in the body of the cocooned lady. The cocoon is invisible to the flesh eyes. But in order to jump into that river of life, which is constantly changing, she needs to burst out of her cozy cocoon, which might lead to a dignified cocooned life in a separate pool on the riverbank. If she chooses to dive into the river of life, nothing is guaranteed, and yet it’s the only way to reach the Great. There is the risk of disappearing into the unknown, and yet who knows what magic might happen. Once in a while, the cocooned lady pokes a hole in her cocoon to grasp for fresh air that drifts from the river of life. Breathes in; breathes out. 

April 4, 2015
In my dream last night, I was in a workshop for unleashing full potential. When the workshop was over, I still felt blocked inside. I wanted to continue with the workshop, but my time was up, and the next workshop was about to start as a group of younger males entered…  
Lately, I’ve been experiencing great disgust about what we humans have done to each other and to the Mother Earth. Anything could trigger my anger, such as seeing people carelessly throwing away the disposable coffee cups after their enjoyable conversation with friends at a coffee shop, or going shopping to buy their tenth favorite shirts. As the pain became more and more unbearable, I began to feel a growing bitterness in my heart that I wanted human species gone. But the other night, after hearing my rant about my unbearable pain and my wish of wiping out humans because we deserved it, a gentle-mannered man listened quietly and said, “I think this human life is beautiful and I hope to see it continue." He is a gardener and a poet and his words were non-assuming and soft, and I felt each word hit the core of my being and I was speechless for a while. Then another person in the gathering said, we are not carrying the planet on our shoulders; we are small beings living on the Earth.
Now I feel more peace as I see more clearly how we have been living with such a transactional mindset in this human culture of convenience. I can choose from moment to moment how I want to live. “The beginning of the journey is glorious; the middle of the journey is glorious; the end of the journey is glorious.” I devote to my own ever-changing and expanding truth.

April 5, 2015
I am still trapped by the measurement of worthiness based on intelligence and capability, as I consider myself, sometimes, not smart enough. In front of people who are able and smart, I feel small and envious. In my heart, I know deeply what I long for—the peace that keeps my heart rate steady as I interact with either the President of the United States or a high school janitor. 
May I be free. 

April 6, 2015
I am staring at the blank screen and struggling for words, feeling a little sorry for myself, my barren love landscape, a once young woman getting old, alone. 
I am tired. 

April 7, 2015
I am looking at the photo of the six-year-old me, wishing I loved myself more fully back then.
Met Diego Deleo at the reading event, Quiet Lightening, in the city. He sat next to me and shared with me one of his poems:
“When the earth
Rearranges its ornaments
Causing doubt and fear
The human spirit
Comes to the rescue
Restoring peace and faith”
He began to write poems when he was 76, shortly after his wife passed away. He often sits in Washington Square in San Francisco to share his poems with strangers. 

Rising up from within is important. Bring out the basic goodness in all. Music, stories, and poetry can penetrate human hearts more easily than protests and debates. How can I overcome my fear towards the homeless in the streets?

April 9, 2015
    推倒那堵看不见的心墙,让心自由出行 (Push down the invisible wall surrounding my heart; let the heart be free). Noticing myself unfolding from moment to moment is amazing. I no longer expect to know what will happen in the next moment. We never know what opportunity cost would occur when we plan. 

April 10, 2015
To taste the organic flow of life, let the mind be quiet.  
Sometimes I could be an overbearing person too. I might think that my opinion is brilliant, but why don't others get it. I feel hurt when they withdraw and ignore my brilliance. It’s a long journey before I really understand and respect others’ truth. I need to listen more, to see what I didn't see before. Try to understand others first before expecting them to understand me. Listen deeply and do not argue even within myself. :)

April 12, 2015
Last night at The Pollination Project salon, after hearing my thoughts on creating a co-storying community online, Sam from Casa de Paz said, if someone creates a beginning of a story, then sends it to multiple people, and then those people continue with the story and send to other people, and keep it going. At the end, the story with the same beginning would be completely different animals!
I am still sad and frustrated about my family in China. Why can’t they be gentle and real with each other? Meanwhile, I know how much I love Mother, and how much I need to separate from her thoughts too. If I could help empower Mother to stand up for her own life!
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”   -- Victor Frankl 

April 13, 2015
Taking an inner journey by examining my own thoughts could be a drag. It’s like deep cleaning of my room. First it gets even messier after opening the hidden drawers and boxes before it's clean and fresh.
We are starting a revolution from within, that’s the way out, instead of being dragged by one problem after another which share the same root causes. The inner revolution and the outer revolution in the culture of convenience are one. 
Wisdom from the Poetic Pilgrimage Class, taught by Pratho Sereno:
“Singing off key shamelessly to let music out.”
“Music starts without sound, poem without words. Transition starts before music starts…”

August 4, 2015
I am Pisces, but still can’t swim. How can fish live without water? No, she can’t. Every summer in the past 10 years I said to myself, “This summer I will learn to swim.” But not a single summer I stepped into water. 
Have a firm handshake with my fear of water.
This summer,
I mean this very summer,
 I will learn to swim.

In memory of a poet, Patrick Hock, from the Poetic Pilgrimage Class, I share below his own words:
“Free of all that upward thrust and spiraling downward
I descend into a kinder world
Where my opinions matters a little
And my fears were given a bed to lay upon”

October 5, 2015
My love letter to you, yes, you!
Why are there so many layers that prevent me from connecting to you, from feeling your heartbeats, your pain, and your deepest longing? How can I lift that mystical veil off me with a fresh air of chutzpah? Could I let go all the layers that have enveloped me in false security for so long?
Every day, I am different, different from last year, last month, yesterday, even as I am writing this sentence, I am different from that "person" who wrote the last sentence. I so so so want to set out on my pilgrimage to unclutter my mind, purify my heart, and cleanse my soul, so that I can connect to myself, to you, and to this thing called life on Earth.
I am still in search of the right questions to live by. Meanwhile, the pain becomes unbearable of the separation I feel from you! Shall we take that quantum leap together?
Love,
Xiaojuan

October 28, 2015
I was walking to a literary event in a cool autumn night in San Francisco. Ahead of me, a homeless-looking man, maybe in his 60s, was pushing an empty shopping cart on the sidewalk in my direction. He pushed the cart left and right, seeming to intentionally block the pedestrians. The pedestrian walking ahead of me avoided him. My heart raced. As I was about to walk to the side too, the cart-pushing man stopped and spoke loudly, "You can't pass by me without a smile!" I happened to be standing right there, surprised. I smiled. He gave me a big child-like smile! Or maybe it was he who smiled first. We looked at each other, eyes to eyes, as we passed by, smiling. We were both innocent kids again. Before he walked across the street, he turned and said, 
"Have a great night!" 
"You too!" I said. 
A large dose of happy juice was shot into the chambers of my heart and then pumped out traveling all the way to my toes. Magic is everywhere if we allow it to happen. 

November 1, 2015
The Work (by Byron Katie): One-belief-at-a-time worksheet with A.T. Lynne
My Belief: I feel powerless to change the condition of the old world.
Rewire my old belief:
I am empowered to change the conditions of the old world with a deep sense of content and gratitude. The chair which holds me is held by the floor, the floor by the building, the building by the earth, and the earth by the universe, and the universe by...
The old world is powerless to conform me. I am free to think, to speak, and to act. I am light. The only thing I can really give to this world is the light that’s within me. Let it shine through all the dark corners of shame, fear, and guilt. The light connects with light. The light lights up all light. I travel to light up the world. 
I am light. 



November 21, 2015
You may grow leaves on your limbs; you may be coated with lichens; you may grow pedals; you may have four feet; you may think like me, or you may not. Let me meet you. 
Hiked with Mark Dubois in the Marin Headlands. He mentioned a quote from Marianne Williamson:
“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.”