Reflections After Work That Reconnects 10-Day Intensive Workshop with Joanna Macy

On July 6, 2016, fifty-one of us, including Joanna Macy, gathered at River’s Bend Retreat Center in Philo, California, for the Work That Reconnects (WTR) 10-day intensive workshop. 

Joanna Macy’s teachings, the Elm Dance, the poetry, the silence, and the deep connections we experienced over a month ago are encapsulated like a crystal ball, hung right in front of me. It’s so close, yet it seems unreachable. How much has the way I see the world really changed? How am I going forth in a new direction on a day-to-day basis? Am I embodying the five vows we all took at the end of the workshop? It’s time to sit down to review my notes from the book Coming Back to Life and to reflect on what I’ve learned in the workshop.

THE GREAT TURNING

In this time, the most commonly held stories seem to boil down to three, three different lenses through which we see and live our own reality. As humans, we are blessed with the ability to make choices; and we can choose the story that we want to live by.
 
As Joanna put it in Coming Back to Life:

Business As Usual is the story of the Industrial Growth Society, forever profiting from the Earth and from each other. There is little need to change the way we live and all difficulties and problems are temporary and solvable by human will. 

The Great Unraveling is the lens through which many environmental scientists, independent journalist, and actives see. We cannot afford to do what we have been doing because Business As Usual has endangered and will continue to endanger life on Earth, which may cause massive-scale extinction in the foreseeable future.  

The Great Turning is that we see the Great Unraveling, but we choose to join and act together for the sake of all life on Earth. More and more of us are waking up collectively as a species. Guided by our innate nature, our interdependence in the web of life, and our connection to the living Earth, we are gaining momentum and going to turn things around and build a life-sustaining society for generations and generations to come. 

We choose to live The Great Turning as it unfolds simultaneously in three dimensions: Holding actions to slow down the damage to Earth and its beings (such as protesting against nuclear power and waste), transforming the foundations of our interdependent life (such as transitioning toward living independent of fossil oil), and shifting in our consciousness (such as growing connection to the living Earth and waking up to our interconnectedness with all life). 

All three dimensions are interrelated, one supporting the other two. When we see each other working or living in any of the dimensions, we smile and nod at each other, “Brother/Sister/Sibling, I see you and I am here with you!”

The worst thing is not the destruction caused by irresponsible human behaviors that harms life on Earth, but the deadening of our hearts and minds. We ought to feel and honor our fear and despair first in order to understand what’s beneath that fear and despair—our love for life. We don’t know for sure, as Joanna Macy put it, if we are midwives for the new life-sustaining future or the deathbed attendants for the dying. But either way, we can always live this life in awe as the sun rises every morning because life itself is a miracle and we are forever grateful.

Deep Ecology

Instead of treating the symptoms of the ecological degradation, such as cleaning up a river here or a dump there for human benefits, deep ecology questions the foundation of the Industrial Growth Society as it exists independently of whether humans recognize it or not. Earth is alive, not a supply house and sewer. All life-forms have an intrinsic right to exist, but none should take more than what is needed and what Earth can give sustainably. We act on behalf of Earth as part of Earth. As John Seed, an Australian rainforest activist, said, “I am part of the rainforest protecting myself. I am that part of rainforest recently emerged into thinking.” 

As we truly mature, we grow out of that narrow competitive ego and grow into a social self and a spiritual self, and also an ecological self. Self-organization of the whole requires differentiation of the parts. Each ecological self in this unfolding journey of reaching ecological harmony is unique. How can we find our ecological place in the web of life? Speak the truth of our experience of this world; be generous with our strengths and skills—they are not our private property; put forth great effort but let go of wanting to see results for our actions ripple way farther than what we could see or even imagine in our lifetime. Keep on keeping on.

It was the systems view combining with Buddhist teachings that prepared Joanna Macy to dive deeper into Deep Ecology and shaped Work That Reconnects from its beginning. 

Deep Time

We often hear about a five-year plan, but how about making a 5,000-year plan? What would it be like? If we all slow down or even stop and do nothing like trees, which only care to grow roots and reach towards the sun, what would the world be like? As Rainer Maria Rilke put it, “If we surrender to the Earth intelligence, we will rise up like trees, rooted.” Without the distortion and distraction from mass media, militarism, and consumerism, what’s essential for us will come into focus as we sit down with a quiet mind. 

During the exercise of harvesting the gifts of the ancestors, we walked back in time to the day before, the year before, ten years before, to being a child, being born, to the first meeting of our parents and grandparents, to all the ancestors who gave us life, to the Stone Ages, to the floating single cells in the ocean, and all the way to the birth of the universe. Then we walked forward again from the very beginning to the present. I wondered, "What is time?" After the walk of harvesting the gifts of the ancestors, one of us shared the image of a mother who held up a baby high and implored, “Please keep this baby alive!” That's the calling from life itself. We received the strength from all mothers who had given birth to us. My existence alone is a mere miracle—just imagine if any one of my hundreds of thousands of  ancestors didn’t survive long enough to pass on their life to their next generation, I wouldn’t be here. None of us are alone. We all have an army of ancestors behind us, whispering into our subconscious how much we are blessed for being alive. And in the same way, we must take care of this home on Earth for our future generations and will pass on to them the warmth in our heart that keeps all life connected. 

When we are connected across time with the beings of the three times—those who came before us, those who come after us, and those who live with us in the present--we are connected with the timeless torch of life. 

THE SPIRAL OF THE WORK

The spiral that begins with Gratitude, then Honoring our Pain for the World, Seeing with New Eyes, and Going Forth—four successive and recurring stages, maps the journey of Work That Reconnects. 

Gratitude quiets the mind and grounds us to the Source of life. I had a dream the first night after we arrived at River’s Bend Retreat Center. I dreamed of a childhood friend, who was beautiful and bright, tragically committed suicide after being sexually assaulted as a young girl and receiving no understanding from her family and friends. I wasn't sure if the story was true or not, but growing up as a Chinese peasant and factory worker's daughter, I witnessed many young souls like me wither away. I felt tremendously grateful the next morning as I walked up to our meeting hall, looking around at the trees and hills and the trails leading to the river. What did I do to deserve all the blessings in my life? Given where I came from in China, I couldn't have imagined that I would ever come to a retreat center in northern California to learn from one of the great elders and teachers of our time the powerful tools by which to live, to love, and to serve. My gratitude overflowed, as our first day together was about to begin.

Drawing by Martin Wagner

"May you be strong to hold hands with vulnerability; may you walk courageously toward your real truth; may you fall madly in love with life." On my solo day, lying by the river, I repeated those words 51 times as I wrote down each of the workshop participants' names and held each person's image in my mind's eye. At this moment, all the heart-to-heart conversations that I had during the retreat are still fresh. 

Honoring our Pain for the World, instead of numbing our mind and heart, is crucial for the healing of the world, including the pain within ourselves. The Truth Mandala ritual provided us a sacred space to hold our vulnerability together. The power of expressing our feelings by holding a symbolic object was palpable, holding fallen leaves as sorrow, a stone as fear, a stick as anger, and an empty bowl as a sense of not-knowing. Then the truth beneath that vulnerability was our resilience, with sorrow indicating our love for what we've lost, fear our courage to be vulnerable, anger our passion for justice, and emptiness welcoming a new beginning. Joanna Macy opened the circle by going down to the floor grieving over the misuse of the sacred spirit of Sri Lanka whose beauty became its curse in present time... What we expressed in the circle that day stayed in that circle and will continue to live in the invisible circle of our hearts.

Seeing with New Eyes is seeing our life as connected to all life in the web of life, across all three times—the past, the present, and the future. We are instructed to think for the seven generations to come, while carrying on all the gifts that our ancestors have handed down to us.   

We need to be part of the neural net. Who wants to be like a neuron which isolates itself behind defensive walls? As it says in Coming Back to Life  “It would atrophy and die. Its health and power lie in opening itself to the change, letting the signals through. Only then can the larger system—the neural net—learn to respond and think.” How wonderful to let life come through each of us, to open to the large mystery, and to be part of the web of life where each element has a role to play.

As wise ones say, tell the story of anything, we must tell the story of everything. When we talk about ecology, we need to talk about social justice too. Every morning as we linked hands and hearts during Elm Dance, we swung in solidarity like trees with roots connected and we said our prayers loud, "Soil, farmed animals, Earth, factory workers, trees, victims of police shootings..."

My heart is often saddened by the division among human hearts, and the misunderstanding and hurt even between dear friends and within caring and conscious communities. When we have disagreements with someone, may we pause and ask questions: Do I really understand that person? Do I understand her suffering, her difficulties, and her deepest longing? If I do not, how can I ask for support to understand her better? With a strong intention to connect, we will be able to strengthen our heart connection by soothing one heart at a time. 

Seeing with New Eyes is seeing the world from a free and loving heart. Each heart-aching moment is an opportunity to grow. Peace starts first from my own heart. 

First Reunion Video-conference Call (photo credit: Phoebe Tickell)

First Reunion Video-conference Call (photo credit: Shayna Gladstone)

Going Forth

Anne Symens-Bucher, one of the co-facilitators at the 10-Day Intensive, proposed an ongoing monthly meeting at Canticle Farm to deepen our collective learning in the Work That Reconnects. As we reconvened for the first time, it felt like a family reunion. We either joined in person at Canticle Farm or showed up on the computer screen from different parts of the planet, the U.S. (San Luis Valley, Mount Shasta, Ojai, and Washington D.C.), Mexico, UK, and Australia. It was such a sweet moment as we did Elm Dance and one of the Dances of Universal Peace together across the country and across oceans. We couldn’t help bending down to the screen level and waving to say hi as we danced by. How heart-warming it was to give each other double-sided hugs at the end, just like what we did during the 10-day workshop after each Dance of Universal Peace led by Teri Lynn.

At the reunion, it was inspiring to my core to hear Joanna (at age 88) say, “I feel so alive!” She was glad that she didn’t form a 501(c) (3) organization. All her teachings were "open source" before she even knew the term of open source. She said, “So all we are is like a river… and we can do the best we know how to do with the Work That Reconnects. That means we have to hang out together; we have to listen to each other; we need to read what has been written and write other things. This is a new kind of organizing. It’s like what you see in nature. When the rains come, the streams flow…” To me, that's the very practice of Work That Reconnects and community building.

DO THE WORK

How does WTR really help the world? Yes, we read the books, attended the workshops, and even used some of the exercises to lead the circles. But on a larger scale, what does WTR actually do? It should be more than just training more WTR trainers.

When we no longer hold jobs for which we don’t have passion, our real work begins. Some of the work is visible and most of it is invisible. When people ask me, "What do you do for work?" I often find it hard to put in words what I do. What do I do? I want to reduce harm by gradually reconnecting to everything I touch; I want to cultivate peace within by living simply and consciously; I want to contribute to the Work that transforms human hearts and minds by reconnecting to ourselves, to each other, and to Nature.   

In this sometimes heart-wrenching time, I want to learn to taste the sweetness of each moment, even when I am stuck in a well with a tiger roaring above and a dragon spitting fire below, as an old story goes. If I pause and pay attention, the sweet fruit hung on the wall of the well is waiting for me to taste.

2016 WTR 10-Day Intensive Workshop at River's Bend Retreat Center, CA (Photo Credit: Bloom)

Using the Vows as Daily Reminder

I vow to myself and to each of you:

• To commit myself daily to the healing of our world and the welfare of all beings.
• To live on Earth more lightly and less violently in the food, products, and energy I consume.
• To draw strength and guidance from the living Earth, the ancestors, the future beings, and my brothers and sisters of all species.
• To support others in their work for the world and to ask for help when I feel the need.
• To pursue a daily spiritual practice that clarifies my mind, strengthens my heart, and supports me in observing these vows. 

The Shambhala Warrior Prophecy

"Now comes the time when great courage is required of the Shambhala warriors, moral and physical courage. For they must go into the very heart of the barbarian power and dismantle the weapons. To remove these weapons, they must go into the corridors of power where the decisions are made. 

"The Shambhala warriors know they can do this because the weapons are manomaya, mind-made. This is very important to remember, Joanna. These weapons are made by the human mind. So they can be unmade by the human mind! The Shambhala warriors know that the dangers that threaten life on Earth do not come from evil deities or extraterrestrial powers. They arise from our own choices and relationships. So, now, the Shambhala warriors must go into training."

When we meet again, we will smile and nod at each other. "I see you, and I am here with you--Shambhala Warrior!" :)


Thanks for all your teachings!
Joanna Macy: Work That Reconnects
Patricia St. Onge, M.Div: SEVEN Generations Consulting
Victor Lee Lewis: Radical Resilience Institute
Mutima Rose Imani: Healing Racial Wounds; ParCenTra
Anne Symens-Bucher: Canticle Farm; Awakin Interview
All participants in the 2016 WTR 10-Day Intensive Workshop

Reading Joyfully Together

Joyfully Together—The Art of Building a Harmonious Community (by Thich Nhat Hanh)

(The book consists of innovative practices inspired by Buddhist traditions)

Chapter One        The Power of the Sacred Forest

A Sangha is a community of people who walks the path of liberation together. The Sangha building practices are even more important than studying the sutras, practicing sitting meditation, listening to Dharma talks, or attending Dharma discussions. To build a Sangha, we need to know the art of Sangha building. Wanting to build a Sangha is not enough. We have to live and practice in a Sangha. The best way of building the Sangha is to turn ourselves into positive elements of the Sangha body by the way we walk, stand, sit or lie down in mindfulness. When others in the Sangha see our stability in this way, they will also become solid.

If the Sangha body is a forest, then each member is a tree with its own unique qualities, standing joyfully alongside the other trees. If you want the Sangha to be strong, you have to contribute your own energy to the Sangha. When the bell of mindfulness is invited—even if you are out in the garden or working in the kitchen—if you come back to your breathing, you are making the Sangha energy stronger. When the bell is invited to announce the meal, do not delay, thinking: The line is still very long. If I go and stand in the line, I will be wasting my time. Standing in line with the rest of the Sangha, you can practice mindful breathing and your presence is a very valuable contribution to the Sangha.

Sometimes a member disregards the Sangha agreement of, for example, not wearing colored socks. When you point it out to her, “Why don’t you do what the teacher told us to do?” she may be defensive and later wear colored socks even more often as a form of protest. Something small like this could suffocate the whole Sangha. In this situation, both parties are responsible to act in a way that our capacity of communication remains solid. If we stop communicating, then there is no help for us and the whole Sangha body suffers.

How can we love someone who is difficult to love? The best way is to look deeply to see her situation and the difficulties she has. When we can understand her difficulties, we can accept her and feel love for her. This is a practice that needs perseverance. Going back to the previous example, that sister might not have many clean socks left. All we need to do is to practice mindfulness diligently every day to recognize what is happening in our own mind. Then we will be able to establish communication with our brothers and sisters, and love them.

Skillful Means

We need to practice skillful means to help each other. When sweet medicine is needed, we can give sweet medicine. When bitter medicine is needed, we can give bitter medicine. When flexibility is needed, we can be flexible; when firmness is needed, we can be firm. Whatever method we use, it should always be practiced with compassion. But compassion does not mean that we just allow someone to continue to behave in an unwholesome way. We have to love without allowing our love to be misused. When we commit ourselves to Sangha building, we have to learn when to be gentle and when to be firm. Sometimes we have to act swiftly and not allow the situation to continue, because that is the only way we express our love.  

Loving with Equanimity

The capacity to be inclusive and embrace everyone in the Sangha body is the basic quality of Sangha building. The practice of loving kindness means developing patience and an open mind and heart. The mind does not take sides and treats everyone equally, like a real mother who loves all her children. To practice is to learn how to love without discrimination or attachment.

But we also ask how far our inclusiveness should go. The Buddha once asked a horse trainer how he trained horses. The horse trainer mentioned three methods: gentle methods, strong methods, and combination of gentle and strong methods. Then the Buddha asked, “If all three methods are not successful, then what do you do?” The horse trainer answered, “I have to kill the horse to keep the whole horse herd from being corrupted by that horse.” Then he asked the Buddha how he taught the monks and nuns. The Buddha replied, “I do exactly what you do.”

In Plum Village we have sometimes sent a monk or nun home, we also do this out of love. We organize a farewell tea meditation for them, buy their ticket home, give them pocket money, and offer them advice.

In Plum Village, the practice of Sangha building is seen as the most important practice in our program of training. If we want to be successful in practicing and teaching the Dharma in the future, we have to learn fully how to build a Sangha right now. Someone who does not have the capacity to build a Sangha will not be able to help the world. When we stand beautifully alongside the other trees, we begin to contribute to the Sangha body. We put all our heart into our studies and practice, and do not look for little comforts, expecting this person to love us or that person to be attentive to us, growing angry when we are not treated “equally” or given our fair share. These things are not important to those on the spiritual path. The truly important thing is that we learn to stand beautifully and joyfully together with the rest of the Sangha. If we do, then quite naturally we will grow quickly, making a positive contribution to the Sangha body. This contribution will, sooner or later, bring about a great deal of happiness in the world.

Chapter Two        Healing Our Isolation

In the Buddha’s day in the areas where he taught and practiced, it was the custom for other religious practitioners to meet regularly and stay together for one day in order to discuss the teachings and practice, and live as a spiritual family all day long. If we want to preserve this beautiful tradition, we should organize our Sangha so that everyone can be present to live together for an entire day in the spirit of a spiritual family. This day is important to nourish the growth of our practice. This day can also be observed by laypeople together with monastics in the monastery. It’s a peaceful and joyful family gathering. The children and teenagers enjoy coming and spending time together.

If there are tendencies in our brothers or sister that we find unskillful, we then look at ourselves to see if we too have those tendencies. We make the determination to practice to transform ourselves. Our own practice and transformation is the best way to help our brother and sister.

We may ask ourselves, “Do I have negative characteristics that prevent others from being close to me? How do I relate to the Sangha? Look deeply within.

In Buddhism, the six categories of unwholesome desires are fame, wealth, sex, power, too much eating, and excessive sleep. When we are caught in and controlled by unwholesome desires, we fail to see things clearly as they are, and others in the practice will find it difficult to talk to us. Letting go our unwholesome desires and our attachment to worldly life brings us harmony.

We condemn someone who corrects us: He does not care about me. But in fact, our friends care deeply for us, and out of care they will show us our mistakes. Our sisters and brothers are obliged to help each other in this way. But if we are not able to listen when someone is trying to help us, we are throwing away the mirrors that our friends has lend us. We all have the tendency to see unwholesome qualities in others without being able to admit that we ourselves have these same qualities. By cultivating humility, we can gradually integrate ourselves into the Sangha body.

Our words carry the vibrations of our emotions, and when we speak, others can feel our emotions. Practice mindfulness and transform it. It’s important to be open to guidance, advice and criticism in a Sangha. It’s both the responsibility of the person receiving the advice to practice listening with humility and acceptance, and for the one giving the advice to offer it at such a time in such a way that it can be easily accepted. We need to train ourselves to receive guidance and we also learn to offer guidance skillfully.

Being unwilling to share is also a kind of stealing. If we have more than enough, but do not share, that’s greed.

True love is a process of humility. There is no place for pride in true love.

Bow when we hear criticism, correction, and guidance, then reflect until peace arises. The Sangha is our mirror; our fellow practitioners are our mirror, and our family members are our mirror.  See deeply and surrender with love to see what happens.

Chapter 3        Creating Harmony & Happiness

All decision in a Buddhist community of practice have to be based on the sanghakarman procedure. Sanghakarman procedure has 3 forms, single announcement karman, double announcement karman, and quadruple announcement karman (for very important matters). Before the sanghakarma procedure, we take our time to listen to views of everyone concerned until a consensus is reached, then we can initiate the sanghakarman procedure.

Calling for a meeting of the Sangha to listen to everyone explain their ideas is a basic and necessary practice. Senior members have the duty to encourage less senior ones to express. Even when we don’t like certain decision, we trust Sangha eyes and Sangha ears, which generally make the best decisions. Take refuge in Sangha is not an aspiration. It’s a daily practice.

Chapter 4        The Seven Methods of Resolving Conflict

They are the last 7 of the 250 precepts a monk takes (348 precepts for nuns).

• All parties should be present in a meeting to share their suffering. To practice deep listening, just listen. The full presence of all parties is very important.
• All parties should remember and recount the details of the conflict. Possibly, a meeting needs to be convened to encourage the concerned people to remember everything that has happened in the past. In this way, whatever they have seen, heard, and thought about can be expressed to the community. This is a way to help everyone look deeply, self-examine, see his or her own responsibility in this conflict, and gain better understanding of both parties,
• It should be determined that neither party is mentally ill. :)
• The parties should confess their own unskillfulness. A meeting will be convened if concerned parties can speak about the unskillfulness and the lack of mindfulness that have led him or her to do or say causing the conflict. This is the practice of Beginning Anew. Always express regret first. Invite the other party to do the same.
• A committee is assembled to investigate the nature of the conflict, to understand the case in all its details.
• A majority vote is used to resolve the conflict. Go with the Sangha decision once it’s made. Trust the Sangha and let the case settle. The Buddha created the precepts to encourage everyone to make every effort to maintain harmony in the community.
• Respected senior members of the community are invited to declare a general amnesty. They may say, “We are all brothers and sisters of the same family. We have to forgive each other. We have to put down straw on the muddy path so that we can walk together. I propose a general amnesty.”

Chapter 5        Caring for Each Other

Combine the spirit of seniority with the spirit of democracy. Everyone has a contribution to make. At Plum Village, once the Sangha has made the decision, let Caretaking Council do its work. “Teach me and I shall forget; show me and I shall remember; let me do it and I shall understand.”

When people criticize the monks for drinking a little too much tea, I (Thich Nhan Hanh) smiled. If the monks drink tea mindfully and practice building brotherhood, it is sometimes more effective than long hours of sitting meditation or reciting the sutras without looking at each other.

There is no more beautiful task than spending one’s time in this work of love, discovering the talents of everyone in the Sangha.

The Dharmacharya Council

Teaching the Dharma is something that requires one’s whole being. Every step and every breath becomes a Dharma talk.

Weekly Meetings

• Enjoy tea and being together
• List of agenda before the discussion
• Speak only with calm and loving kindness
• The decisions made are much less important than the effect of nourishing our sense of brotherhood and sisterhood

Meditation Before Meetings

We vow to go through this meeting in a spirit of togetherness as we review all ideas and consolidate them to reach a harmonious understanding or consensus. We vow to use the methods of loving speech and deep listening in order to bring about the success of this meeting as an offering to the Three Jewels. We vow not to hesitate to share our ideas and insights but also vow not to say anything when the feeling of irritation is present in us. We are resolutely determined not to allow tension to build up in this meeting. If any one of us senses the start of tension, we will stop immediately and practice Beginning Anew right away so as to reestablish an atmosphere of togetherness and harmony.

To speak out is your duty as a member of the Sangha. Please be brave and contribute to the happiness of the Sangha by expressing your idea.

When the Sangha has a matter to resolve, it should rely on the Sangha Eyes to look for solution, never on the eyes of one individual alone.

Practicing with the Triangle

Triangle: One person is upset by another person. Instead of talking to that person directly, complains to the 3rd person. The triangle is a tiny shoot that sprout from the seed of division and unhappiness. Everyone has the duty to uproot the triangle before it grows.

The Second Body

The second body system is a Sangha building practice at Plum Village. In a large Sangha, it isn’t possible to be close to everyone, so we are each given a “second body” to take special care of. A Dharma sister may be our second body. Always look after her when she is ill or low-spirited. The second body system can be a wonderful way to stay connected to the whole Sangha by taking care of just one member of the Sangha.

The Mentor System

A mentor reports to the Dharmacharya Council every month about the progress of his mentee so that the dharmacharya will know what teachings are needed in the Sangha.

Shining Light

We sincerely invite dharma sisters and brothers to shine light on us. They not only point out our shortcomings but tell us first what we have excelled in. Then they offer us concrete practices to maintain and increase our good qualities while transforming what is unwholesome. If there is any anger or irritation in us, it is better not to speak. We vow that every word spoken will be from a place of love within us.

Watering Flowers

Practice watering the flowers of your loved ones and your brothers and sisters in the Sangha. They may need your words of appreciation and encouragement. The practice of watering flower is an expression of our gratitude. When we are grateful, we will no longer suffer so much.

Beginning Anew

Start again… :)

Bring Our Teachers Inside

When we take mindful steps, our teacher is in us.

Chapter 6        Nourishing Our Families

Dedicate a room as the breathing room. When parents quarrel again, as a kid, you can invite them or one of them to go to the breathing room with you. The most precious gift parents can offer their children is their own happiness. We can transform the negative habit energies we have received from our father and mother and not hand them to our children in the future. This is the deepest way of sharing our gratitude to our ancestors.

Practice: Write love letters to those in our family, especially those difficult ones.

It’s a great offering that we can make to ourselves, our beloved ones and our ancestors to do the work of reconciliation with our blood family. We reconcile with our mother and father inside of us, and we can also discover a skillful way to reconcile with our mother and father outside of us. It is never too late to bring peace and healing into our blood family.

Speak with the language of love. Only then loved ones will come to share their sufferings with us. Listen deeply. Only then we can understand them. Only then we can say we love them. Before that we thought we loved them, but our love wasn’t based on understanding. The more we love, the more they feel stifled.  To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.

Ask questions: Do you think I understand you? Do I understand your suffering, your difficulties, and your deepest wishes? If I do not, please help me to understand because if I do not yet understand, I will continue to make you suffer in the name of love.