November 24, 2016

Participating in Ecology of Awakening

“Let things ripen and then fall. Force is not the way at all. Just let go and we will see--The way to do is to be.” We sang by the fire the words from Lao Tzu’s Tao te Ching (music: Laurence Cole). I took part in Ecology of Awakening (EOA), a yearlong program to awaken us to the larger rhythm of the ever-evolving and self-organizing web of life through connecting to Nature, to our inner voices, and to each other. After centuries of prevailing competitive and extractive culture across the globe, this collective journey of reconnecting to the larger myth is what our souls cry for. 
 

Vision Quest

I didn’t fully realize the powerful lasting impact of EOA on me until the Fall session which involved a 96-hour vision fast in a desert. In my mind’s eye, I’m back to the serene desert again, surrounded by rocks, junipers, and chollas, sitting on a big flat rock and watching birds, rabbits, chipmunks, and lizards running around. As I slept on the big rock under the stars during the night and rested under a juniper tree during the day, I felt accepted as a welcomed guest in a very safe place. Although walking from my sleeping rock to the shady place under the juniper tree felt like a very long distance with an empty stomach, I felt home. No grand revelation, only gradual and gentle openness to true nature, mundane moments transformed, mind uncluttered, and heart filled with pure joy.

At dawn, I woke up to the dissipating morning mist and the rising sun moving across the sky. At dusk, I shook the rattle as the sun-burned sky gave way to twinkling stars.

On that big rock, I thought of this amazing life that I could live, connecting with communities and making noble friends, growing and making healthy food to share, and holding space for storytelling and spoken words. I couldn’t see any possible reason for being unhappy and unsatisfied. There is so much in life that I could explore. And the lifelong pressure of trying to achieve something and to be somebody was gone as if a heavy rock were lifted from my chest. I don’t have to be anybody; I don’t have to achieve anything. I just need to tune in to that ever-unfolding life force and be a loving life force liberating and empowering prisoned souls. 

Deep Seeing of Each Other
 
Right before our first EOA trip in nature as a group, I caught a terrible cold and coughed constantly with a bad headache. As the departure day was approaching, I became more and more nervous. How was it possible for me to go with such a low energy! I began to regret signing up for this yearlong program, thinking what if it were an unfulfilling program and I had to be stuck with the same strangers for a year. Now when I think of that, I have to laugh at myself because now those strangers have become my close tribal family and we see and honor each other deeply. There are no other things in life that I would ask for more than a journey with a group of connected souls to deepen connections with life together.
 

During each trip, under the guidance and care of three generous-hearted guides, Kerry, Kristin, and Gary, we witnessed and held each other's pain and joy in numerous talking circles, fire ceremonies, village dreams sharing, rituals, drumming, poetry reading, and singing in wilderness, and we grew closer and closer as a group. Gradually, the thick wall of judgements safeguarding my old worldview began to crumble. I began to see the noble merits in each one and I was no different from others as a vulnerable and sensitive being. How wonderful to be vulnerable together! How little we were different, despite our various backgrounds, age, and gender! This piece of truth was reaffirmed again and again throughout this yearlong journey. The last night before we parted after two days of unpacking of our vision quest experience, we talked and talked, and embraced each other so openly and joyfully until late at night.

I never knew it was so liberating when we hold nothing against each other, but only love, knowing I, too, would be seen in a true and deep way. That’s the real safety that I’ve been looking for. Until all my guards are down, I am not free.  

Healing Power of Nature

After camping for two days in wilderness during our first trip, my terrible cold was miraculously healed! It was hard to believe that on the third day, my energy was up and cough was almost gone! Through my bodily experience, I learned that nature was the ultimate medicine for restoring balance within. 




Our second trip together was at a beautiful private preserve, but I worried about poison oak and ticks. As our guest instructor Brock took us on a nature walk, I realized how much my fear and ignorance had kept me from opening up to nature. Walking through nature guided by someone who is attuned to nature’s whisper is such a treasure! We drew attention to the small bird’s nest under the exposed tree root near the creek bank, the unknown droppings on a broken branch, the dried silk cocoon hidden in fallen leaves, the numerous grain-shells near the entrance of a busy ant farm, and the occasional startled birds’ calling. There were so many appealing stories in nature. How much unknown we take for granted at each moment!

During my solo day, leaning against a madrone tree, I thought I would tell it my life story, but nothing came out except tears. My shoes, shirt, jacket, and my whole body are all gifts. What did I do to deserve all these gifts? What is my truest story?

The wild land opened wide in front of me as I stood alone on the hill covered with tall golden grass. The grass made a soft bed under me as I lay down. I felt being held gently and firmly from beneath, and a great sense of relaxation came through my body. No more worries about ticks. The tall grass turned into tall “trees” for my eyes were close to the soil. A familiar childhood hay smell from the grass entered my nostrils. How much I enjoyed climbing to the top of the hay pile as a child! I closed my eyes and fell asleep under the sun…

Tiny Orange Flower vs. Mountain Top
 


After our first trip, I wrote the following passage: 

I am walking in the open green valley, looking for ways of connecting with this untamed landscape. A hawk flies over, gliding through the warm air all the way to the other side of the mountain. I am tempted to climb to the top of the mountain to see what’s on the other side, to stand tall and to see it all, and most of all, to feel worthy. I stand still with my eyes closed, imagining me flying high and being seen. Isn’t this the meaning of life--to share my gifts and to be seen? I take a deep breath, open my eyes, and continue my way on the narrow trail. 

"Under the sun, tiny orange flowers cluster by the roadside. Something about them slows down my hurried steps—that tiny beauty, so dignified and self-assured. Do they ever agonize over their inadequacy? Do they dream big? Do they still matter if no one notices them? I could’ve easily passed them by. I draw myself closer to them and begin to see the delicate details in each one of them. They are so beautiful! Tears pour into the corners of my eyes as stillness and warmth flow into my chest… That tiny orange is so vast that it goes beyond any mountain tops.” 

Now I set the intention to be aware of the real magic in my daily life, instead of getting distracted by my big goals. As David Whyte wrote, "there is a small opening into the new day, which closes the moment you begin your plans. What you can plan is too small for you to live."

Between Stories
After the vision quest, our guides reminded us that doubt and fear would still visit us and the real journey would continue to unfold. Once in a while, when I'm dragged back down the abyss of darkness where I was once in before, that darkness no longer has as strong and lasting grip over me as before because I have experienced how real it was when I was liberated from fear and doubt and how happy I was when I was set free. On that big flat rock in the desert, I had a glimpse of my true potential in reaching something much larger than myself. Though sometimes I might still be sleepy and lazy, I cherish my each awake moment
and relish that momentary magic of life.

The recurring theme in my quest throughout EOA is yearning to feel enough, to be self-confident, and to stand solidly on the ground under my feet. While sitting in bed at my parents’ in China, I wonder what that blue sky, open wilderness, green bushes, and the winged and four-legged across the Pacific mean to me in a place where residents strive to disconnect themselves further from Nature. But if I could connect to the natural settings during my EOA trips, why can't I connect to the land that’s birthed me and my ancestors? Now I feel empowered to face the challenges in integrating the different parts in me while living on both sides of the Pacific. And all those magical moments in Nature that couldn’t be put down in words will stay with me wordlessly and guide me for a very long time. 


*** 

In memory of Dancing Arrow (1949-2016).
Forever grateful for the guidance from Ecology of Awakening:
Kerry Brady, Co-founder, Director, and Guide
Kristin Rothballer, Guide
Gary Pace, MD, Guide
Brock Dolman, Guest Instructor
 

1 comment:

  1. "I don’t have to be anybody; I don’t have to achieve anything. I just need to tune in to that ever-unfolding life force and be a loving life force liberating and empowering prisoned souls." :) Thank you!

    ReplyDelete