Little Flame

"Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things." 

---Wild Geese by Mary Oliver  

Following my gege, older brother, and climbing over the tall berm that separated the busy road and the brown ocean of winter grass, I was ready for any mischievous acts. Partially shielded from the big wind by the berm, I hovered over to add another layer of protection as Gege struck a match. "Ssshhhkkk!" A little orange flame was born. It trembled vehemently before the big wind swept it away. My heart sank. Gege struck another match. Another little flame was born and swept away. Then another one. It was a game between the little flame and the big wind. Finally, a little flame took hold, with which Gege gleefully set fire to the grass. Instantly, the little flame came alive dancing with the wind, spreading its orange joy-- just for a moment, but long enough for seven-year-old me to jump and clap.

***

Life went unnoticeably fast while I was riding high with accepted achievements and low with missed goals, and feeling a perpetual shame of inadequacy. I ignored my heart that longed to dance, yet held deep in the ribcage. 
Across the Pacific Ocean from China, I landed my expected dream job at a firm that had offices in 114 countries. After three months, each morning, it became harder and harder to drag myself out of bed and put on a proper outfit, in which I could hardly stretch my arms to embrace life fully. In front of the mirror in my San Francisco apartment, I said to myself, "Cherish what I have." But heaviness hooked around my heart. "Disperse, you heaviness!" I cried, lying on the couch every evening after a long day work, lonely and powerless.

***

I stood on the busy road facing where the tall berm used to be in my hometown. It had been made flat by bulldozers for building more factories and the long gone winter grass had forever lost its chance for another spring. But I remembered the little flame that strived to dance with the wind, again and again. My heart called out from the deep cage, "Keep dancing, until you dance me out!"

More about the writer at: http://www.xiaojuanshu.net/