Choosing Life

Nature Walk

Walking through nature guided by someone who is attuned to nature’s whisper is a treasure. I am at a retreat in nature with a group of 16 including our guides. We draw attention to the small bird’s nest under the exposed tree root near the creek bank, the unknown droppings on a broken branch, the dried silk cocoon hidden in fallen leaves, the grain-shell pile near the entrance of a busy ant farm, the startled birds’ calling, and the occasional crow’s cry. They are all nature’s calls to us, “Attention, please.” How much unknown we take for granted at each moment! Only such a tiny iceberg we notice in life that we can only live in awe with a lifelong wonder of why and how... 

I am sitting on the deck of a small cabin on an open wild land, facing the slowly setting sun on a hot day. As the rays are moving through tree branches from left to right, instead of appreciating the wonder of nature, I feel empty in the heart and bored of sitting there without anything to “accomplish.” It’s a solo day walking in nature with only water for 24 hours. As the evening is approaching, hunger and irritation come into play. But hunger seems trivial as compared to the boredom that drains me. Sadly, I am not curious about the sunset, the tall golden grass and the grasshoppers, the frogs’ chorus in the pond, or the lizards doing pushups. I wish all those things could ignite me. I feel so alone. Earlier, as I crossed a little creek, I prayed that I would not encounter any snakes; as I walked across the woods, I feared of stepping on poison oaks; as I wandered through the tall grass, I was worried about ticks jumping on me and injecting me with lyme disease. But I am tired, tired of fear, for I do not want to live this life with fear. Boredom, fatigue, and fear make me long for freedom, life, and light more. 

Leaning against a madrone tree, I thought I would tell it my life story, but nothing comes out except tears. My shoes, shirt, jacket, and my body are all gifts. What did I do to deserve all these gifts? What is my truest story? I had spent five years writing about “who am I” story when I longed to find that true self. But as the old self constantly shatters and the new self forms and re-forms, the self becomes fluid and elusive, its shape and velocity forever changing… And it ripples.

The wild land opens wide in front of me as I stand alone on the hill covered with tall golden grass. The grass makes a soft bed under me as I lie down. I feel being held gently and firmly from beneath, and a great sense of relaxation come through my body. No more worries about ticks. The tall grass turns into tall “trees” for my eyes are close to the soil—the source. A familiar hay smell from the grass enters my nostrils. How much I enjoyed climbing to the top of the hay pile as a five-year-old! I close my eyes and fall asleep… I am home, again.

Dancing the Inner Child Out

I am at a dance camp. The large open pavilion by the lake is enchanted by music and free dancing spirit. Body finds its natural rhythm and pulses along with the collective heartbeat. I turn; I swirl; I jump; I walk away; I come close; I gaze; I close my eyes; I open my arms; I lift my foot… Faster; slower. If we truly dance, there is no separation from the soul self, from each other, from the under, or from the above… Dancing among radiant smiles, gentle gazes, and soft touches, I see the inner child in each of us reaching out to each other. Age disappears into the void. 

How wonderful to be naked in the sun by the lake like an innocent baby in its birthday suit! With my feet touching the cool warm water, I feel refreshed and alive, but still, I need to learn to swim. 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to me, everyday we are born, everyday we are free.” We sing in a large white tent, together. “The way to do is to be."

Choosing Life

As life and death dance in pair within us, each moment we go between sleeping and awakening, life and death. “Don’t go back to sleep,” as Rumi urged thousands of years ago. When we live soullessly, life is drained from us and we try to hold on to life by draining life from those who are in contact with us. When we come to life, we rasiate life back.

I am still preparing, wandering, and wondering, but I do know that I am grateful for all the beauty that I am able to see. Living a soul-oriented life is my biggest service to the world. 

(p.s. My understanding of soul is drawn from Bill Plotkin's Soulcraft)