My tendency to compare myself to "over-achievers" and then feel unworthy is gradually softening its grip over me because I ask myself: How could I be ashamed of an ever-unfolding mystery? -- a mystery that resides in me, and in you...
March 16, 2016
As I was meditating in this quiet log home, I realized that I don't believe in myself. Wow! "I don't believe in myself" is the foundation of all my fears and why I lack self-confidence. Can I learn to have faith in myself?
March 28, 2016, Tuesday Nevada City, CA
To accept my ordinariness with deep gratitude is the stepping stone to becoming extraordinary. Yet becoming extraordinary is not the goal; it's the natural result of humility.
April 12, 2016
My soul journey has led to the practice of radical patience.
April 25, 2016 (21-Day Reverence Challenge Day 1)
I am staying at a log home in the woods for acting in the play--Chinglish, which is produced by CATS (Community Asian Theatre of the Sierra) in Navada City in California. It's week 7, the last week of my staying.
My host Ce bought this piece of land in her early 20s and built her dream log home in her 70s. She loves this land and takes ownership of it, though she does not have a green thumb as she said about herself. She loves watching deer family wandering outside her window. There is one little frog in the pond in the corner of the front yard that her brother built for her (Later I found out there were more than one frog). She likes the frog which eats mosquitoes, but doesn't like the woodpeckers who ignore hundreds of trees around, and choose to peck on the wooden post below the back deck.
Ce told me how she and her brother began to buy this land in their 20s. They met the landowner many decades ago, and came to visit him. He encouraged them to buy part of the land and gave them a better deal ($700/acre) than he gave others, and they could pay it off by monthly installments. The other day, she showed us the album which kept her original drawing of her vision of her dream home, and the photos of the interior designs she found from magazines.
This morning, I walked out of the back glass door to survey the property for the first time. It was a little chilly. I walked on the soft bed of pine leaves and hugged trees, listening to the birds chirping, while Ce was picking the little greens that she dislikes but grow every year on her property. I suddenly began to wonder: Can we really own a piece of nature even if we "bought" it? But it may not make much difference to Ce. Just look at the wonder and excitement on her face when she saw deer walking on her property!
I continued to hug trees. As I hugged with eyes closed, a wild bee buzzing on my hair, I swayed my head to get rid of it, my heart racing. But I wouldn't let this stop me from hugging trees and seeking a connection that I don't know if I could truly experience, that deep source of life...
April 26, 2016
Communism, Capitalism, Environmentalism, so many isms divide us. How can we fully unleash human potentials without running out of control, such as pursuing individual pleasure and recognition at the cost of nature or other lives? Can we go through a collective inner transformation together? Are we awakening to this now? If not now, when?
April 27, 2016
Reading Zhongguo Nongmin Diaocha (中国农民调查), tears streaming down with deepening thoughts, feeling grounded. Chinese peasants, I am your daughter. I know I have a role in serving you and I will continue to let it unfold.
April 28, 2016
"Perhaps the most profound reason for our intensely consumptive lifestyle is, at bottom, our fear of death. "You can’t take it with you," as they say – though you can try to numb the terror with the things that money can buy. But in his purposeful death by fasting at the age of 100, Scott Nearing demonstrated that there are better, simpler choices."
The end of a good life with no doctors and hospital: " In a soft voice, with no quiver or pain or disturbance he said 'All…right,' and breathed slower and slower and slower till there was no movement anymore and he was gone out of his body as easily as a leaf drops from the tree in autumn, slowly twisting and falling to the ground."
(Excerpt from At The End of A Good Life -- Scott Nearing's dignified death, life his life, sets an inspiring example for all of us, by Helen Nearing)
June 16, 2016
Excerpt from the conversation with Andy:
When people asks us a question like, "What do you do?" We don't have to address directly to the question. Because if we do respond directly, we might get lost in the mundane details of the other reality or struggle for proper words to describe our true aspiration without sounding preachy, then we might lose the opportunity to convey the message that we truly want to convey. We could strive to connect to our hearts at all time; just by doing that, we could transform every conversation we encounter with anyone at any moment. That's the ultimate right speech. What do I do? I'll address my service-oriented intention by focusing on what I can contribute to the everyday conversation at that moment. Love is the answer. Always!
Don't ignore or underestimate anyone or shun my light when I don't feel ignited to share. Just trust. Trust is the other key. :)
poem composed from two by an anonymous person:
I had a dream
That honeybees were making honey in my heart
Out of my old failures.
There is no right or wrong
Beyond the right and the wrong
There is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
July 27, 2016
A young woman was tracing the lines of the tree shadows on a piece of white paper under a tree. I stopped and she looked up, eyes lit up. She said she would use the pattern as a template in many creative ways. Then she appeared serious and still for a moment and said, sometimes, when she worked on the patterns, a face would show up so vividly. All she needed to do was to paint that face in her mind's eye.
July 29, 2016
(At Casa de Paz Awakin Oakland)
"May the inner peace that we've cultivated here in the past two hours ripple out of this window, onto the street, out of Oakland, the Bay Area, out of California, out of the place that's called the United States on the planet, across all four oceans, and reach all continents, connecting with other loving energy along the way, weaving an invisible web that will keep all life alive. With that, let's sit in silence with gratitude. At the end, I'll ring the bell." (from the Metta Seat)
August 5, 2016
(at Casa de Paz Awakin Oakland)
Hiromi shared the story about her grandma, who is 83. When she visited her some years ago, her grandma took her to the garden and pointed to the trees, said, "You planted those trees. Do you remember?" Hiromi didn't remember. She had been away from her hometown, studying and traveling to places far. She had forgotten that she had planted those trees when she was a child. Her grandma continued, "When I die, you do not need to remember me. Remember these trees that you've planted."
August 8, 2016
Last night in my dream, there was a small aquarium where there were many "moving shoes." Several boots were moving in water. The kids were curious why the boots could move. Then I saw a shellfish was struggling to get out of a sandal in vain. Then I realized that shellfish or some other small sea creatures were trapped in the boots. As they struggled to break free from the boots, they made the boots move.
At the San Francisco Public Library, I found time watching this Chinese movie on how Chinese young people seek inner peace and walk out of the meaningless goal-oriented life despite all pressure to return to their original minds and to surrender to the fundamental questions again: Who am I? What is human?
I was moved to tears and feeling so much peace hearing the song below（23:10):
油菜花开的季节 (马常胜)
这样的季节
是油菜花开的季节
故乡的原野一片金黄
迎面的风
像母亲温暖的气息
故乡的春天
就走这异乡的空气中来。
我停留的世界
那些不想要的浮华
闭上双眼
没有画面
我寻找的世界
依然梦一样的遥远
若隐若现
梦里画面一片金黄。
August 9, 2016
Lessons learned from the house meeting at Casa de Paz:
- Learn by observing and then doing it myself
- Act with three steps ahead in mind. Be prepared.
- Cultivate self-studying and problem-solving skills
- Take advice and even criticism with peace and eagerness to improve without taking it personal. We are each other's mirror and take good use of that.
Biked with Andy to Tree's Free Farm Stand in San Francisco. Connected with a group of Chinese middle-aged women who grabbed food at the farm stand. They loved bitter melons!
August 15, 2016
Talked with Hiromi in the park not too far from Casa de Paz. Thankful for the time to connect with each other.
August 16, 2016
Went for a location scout with Ari, Pancho, and Sam. In an African-American community, kids were playing on the big open playground covered with plastic lawn surrounded by about 50 two-storied units. The sun, the open space, the curious kids gave a sense of openness and community. It reminded me of the traditional courtyard houses in Beijing, where neighbors could say hi to each other every day and kids play together. I was told these two adjacent apartment compounds were crime-laden. It's hard to believe in such a place love and innocence overflowing with kids running around laughing. What a thin line between the two sides of humanity.
A little girl walked up to me, leaning against my legs and gestured for being picked up. I picked her up, so light, so soothing to hold her. It all happened so naturally.
After community dinner, I had a conversation with Terry. He said, on the surface, our life seems to zigzag, but when you look back, there is only a straight line going closer to something. We then asked each other, “What’s your deepest longing?”
August 17, 2016
I had a dream last night:
A man enters my place when I am alone. He says to me with a smile, "I don't mind you carrying my child." He walks towards me and grabs my arms. I struggle to approach the door. My right hand tries to reach the door, and reach harder... I push the door open and use all my strength to shout for help. I see three kids, one of them, a teenage girl. I shout, "Call the police!" She instantly gets it and runs for the phone.
My body relaxes. Then I feel sorry for this man, thinking of him being taken away by the police. I know that he came from another country and he will be deported if the police catches him. "Run!" I say. He pauses. "Run! You will be deported. Run!" I say. Tears appear in his eyes. We hug before he runs away.
September 1, 2016
"Let the voice inside always be louder than the words spoken."
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