Year-End Reflections (2015)

When I watch the sunset next time, watch it knowing that I am revolving with the celestial wonderer—the earth, not that the sun is setting. I am not "stuck" anywhere; I am where I am. Be there. Get my beliefs out of my way so that I can truly experience the "free fall," falling into that mystical, expansive, and empty space which is always there, unchanged. I am not my experiences, my beliefs, my education, my age, the color of my skin, or anything that I claim to be "mine" because I am so much more than all those combined. Yet, what am I, exactly? This morning, I was inspired to love myself more after watching the video “Meaning of Life” by Jeff Lieberman. As the calendar of 2015 approaches its back cover, I reflect again on meaning of life as raindrops splash off all things outside my window seeking poetry yet to be born… 

A One-Woman Show, A Journey Home

In the past six years, I wrote my story bit by bit and had the privilege to share it on the stage many times. To me, it’s more of a journey of self-examination and self-discovery, where Mother’s story intertwines with mine, two yet-to-be-reconciled identities on the opposite sides of the Pacific call for deeper questioning, and light dances with darkness spiraling upward and downward. 

In January this year, to get myself out of a dark pit, I wrote that creating a full-length one-woman show and sharing it with a broader audience in 2015 would be the first ever milestone in my life so that I could say, “Yes, I did it!” But in the middle of the year, I began to question about the necessity of having such a “goal.” Seeking self-expression through writing my own life and feeling legitimate enough to share it on the stage are already complete in a sense, what else is there to be finished?

But the journey of self-examination and self-discovery never ends and will continue to unfold on the stage of life or in a theatre. I no longer agonize over if creating a one-woman show based on personal stories is shameless self-absorption or divine exploration of shared human experiences. The step I am certain to take in 2016 is to open wider the door to let more light shine from within, and in the illumination of that light, my dreams, old and new, will become either “effortless or irrelevant,” as Charles Eisenberg puts it. I trust.

A Love Letter to Myself

Dear Xiao,

Thank you for inspiring me to write this letter to you. First of all, please accept my deepest apology for losing faith in you again two nights ago, doubting if you are good enough for yourself, for your family in China, or for the world. My judgment probably dragged you down into that deep abyss again because I noticed that you tossed and turned in bed that night. I am sorry. I put you under the scrutiny through the lens of those who believe that success merely means a high-paying job, a big house, and a proper marriage. But you are determined to go through the door of a much deeper living. 

You’ve been broadening your horizons all these years, constantly stepping out of your comfort zone to explore deeper and broader, from business to performing arts, from the East to the West, from having no faith to holding an increasing number of paradoxes… Life is full of wonder and you began to see more and more… 

I am very happy that on the open dance floor yesterday, you let yourself free during those two hours, releasing your sadness into spontaneous body movements. Though at first, you stood in the corner feeling ashamed and sad, tearing up as others dancing their hearts out around you, and you refused to move any of your limbs, then you breathed deeply and began to move by imitating any random person in the crowd. Then you moved across the floor and copied the movements of many of those whom you passed by. You seemed to connect with them by honoring their movements. Then you jumped up and down with the music like an innocent and happy child! Wow, I was very impressed! I just want to tell you that because I know how far you've come. After witnessing your dance yesterday, I now believe that when your heart is free, nothing is impossible!

What am I thankful about being you? I am thankful that you are loved and cherished by so many kind souls, from your family to friends to strangers; I am thankful that you have met many who see the light in you before I do; I am thankful that you don’t have to deal with health issues like many others endure; I am thankful that you are learning to give yourself some space to pause; I am thankful that you love to travel and to connect with different cultures; I am thankful that you are supported by many generous ones who provide a roof over your head, food for your body, and wisdom for your soul, and a mother who loves you deeply and supports you unconditionally. Wow. How abundant life is!  

I want to say that I, I, I… love…you... Wow. It’s hard! To be honest, I am feeling discomfort rising in me. But please don’t take it personally. Many more love-letters that I will be writing to you in the future. This is just a start! :)

With selfless self-love,

Me 

Stepping Deeper Into Service

How do we honor the bird in each of us that has the potential to soar high in the sky, instead of shaming that little bird for not being able to swim? Neither “selfish” individualism nor “selfless” altruism has emphasized enough on deep self-love--an exploration of unconditional love for the divine Self.      

As Pablo Picasso once said, “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” How do I integrate what I love to do, which is yet to be explored, with what the world needs? I am willing to continue to step into the unknown. Here I would like to quote Dao De Jing (also Tao Te Ching) by Laozi, Chapter 25:

There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.

A Letter to You:

Why are there so many layers that prevent me from connecting to you, from feeling your heartbeats, your pain, and your deepest longing? How can I lift that mystical veil off me with a fresh air of chutzpah? Could I let go all the layers that have enveloped me in false security for so long?
Every day, I am different, different from last year, last month, yesterday, even as I am writing this sentence, I am different from that "person" who wrote the last sentence. I so so so want to set out on my pilgrimage to unclutter my mind, purify my heart, and cleanse my soul, so that I can connect to myself, to you, and to this thing called life on Earth.

I am still in search of the right questions to live by. Meanwhile, the pain becomes unbearable of the separation I feel from you! Shall we take that quantum leap together? 

Love,

Xiaojuan